Are You Truly A Queen?

Dearest reader, today, I want us to have an important conversation.

And I want you to show up for this conversation with an open mind and an open heart. And be ready to let go of the part of you that is self-destructive. Whether single or married, this matters a lot. If you are married and feel like you made a mistake because of what I am about to share, I am truly sorry about your experience. 

Many times, we say we are Queens. We won’t settle for this, nor that. We say we would only marry the king who deserves us. We say we will walk away from an abusive relationship. We say we won’t spend our energy on peasants and undeserving men who have nothing to offer us. We say we won’t chase after men. We say we won't sleep with them on the first or second date. We say we won’t give more in a relationship. We say we are the damn prize and will only give in to the man who truly knows our value. We say these things. We say them. And that is just it. They are things we say, but never do.

I know a lot of us who have said these things, yet would act the exact opposite way. Because we don't truly have the "queen" mindset. I’ve been there several times myself. The evidence of our mindset is not the things we say but what we do. Anyone can proclaim reign over a kingdom. But the true king is the one who by his actions, rules the kingdom.

Any lady can say she is a queen, but the true queen is the one who acts it, every day and effortlessly.

Today, I’m asking us to quit pretending. Let’s quit pretending we are queens when we are, in fact, the maids-in-waiting who end up not with the king, but with some random peasant servant boy. Let’s quit pretending we don’t turn into jelly as soon as some man takes us on a few dates, then we end up wanting to please them. Let’s quit pretending common sense doesn't leave our heads the moment we realize one man, just one man, is attracted to us. Let’s quit pretending we are in control!

It’s time to pull down the mask, and face your true self. The only way you can successfully be the queen you claim to be, is first by admitting you are no queen. And it is okay to admit this. Then, you learn how to be a queen.

Again, I know it is not your fault that you are who you are now. Many of us have unhealed childhood trauma. Either we yearned for the affection of our family and never received it, felt abandoned, or never felt heard or seen. These experiences wounded us so deeply. Sometimes the only way to survive was to hide the wounds and pretend we did not feel pain. We became so used to pretending that in our adult years, we are still able to pretend we are what we aren’t.

It is time to let go. Because those wounds are killing you slowly and they need to heal. It is time to let go of the maid-in-waiting and all her cheap clothing. It is time for a make-over. It is time for the queen to emerge.

But before the queen emerges, you have to do away with the old maid and that will hurt. It will hurt so badly that you might want to just keep being the miserly maid, because it is easier to stay with the comfort that she’s brought you all these years. 

As a miserly maid, you did not have to say no to people who did not measure up. You were okay going with the flow.

You did not know you deserved champagne and so you settled for cheap wine and crass jokes in the midst of loud, boisterous uncouth savages. 

You did not know that up in the castle was a large dining room where you’d hear serene jazz, with people enjoying a table of roast lamb, filets of beef, venison, pheasant, or salmon straight from the farm, with mushroom, cream and whiskey sauce. And you could be one of those people. 

You did not know any better.

As little girls, most of us learned that we had to perform for love. We had to be well-mannered, pleasant and happy. We could not have bad grades in school, or stay upset for long. If we did not keep up good behaviour, we were given the silent treatment and our needs and wants would be ignored. 

Some of us, as little girls, were called "stupid", "fool", "useless", "ugly" and other hideous adjectives that have broken our gentle, tender spirits. Some of us had to be good to earn as little as our father’s affections.

Many of us have been deprived of love by the first men in our lives, our fathers, such that we think we have to work to receive an ounce of love from all men. So that as adult females, even when a man shows up to love us, we are looking for ways to earn their love. To prove that we deserve it. Then we either overdo it by being overly independent and not remaining in our femininity, or we simply settle for scraps and sub-par attempts at wooing. 

But in becoming a true queen, you’ll learn that you don’t have to perform for love. 

You don’t have to earn a man’s love. 

You do not have to prove that you deserve any man’s love. 

You don’t have to be sexual. 

You don’t have to lose weight or be a certain size. 

You don’t have to have an adventurous spirit or be calm. 

You don’t have to speak nicely or show up the way they want you to. 

You deserve your place in this universe because God thinks so and placed you right in the centre of it. You are the essence of love. You are the prize. You were His idea of a prize for men. You are a godly prize!

To become a true queen, first, you need to come in pursuit of your heavenly Father who will show you who you are. Do you remember it is He who took that rib out of Adam’s side and crafted the first woman? He carved all of your curves and edges. He moulded your soft lips, your dainty ears and your big forehead. He made all that is you and He cherishes you so deeply, and unconditionally.

You don’t have to perform for His love. Raise your head above the noise of the world and know that God is the God of another chance and not just a second chance. Maybe you have actually messed up, according to your standards and the world’s standards. Slept with twenty-seven men? Had an abortion or three? Disowned your family and think you can't go back to them? 

It doesn’t matter how badly life’s beaten you up or how many mistakes you’ve made. The value that the creator put in you as a woman, as a queen, can never be tampered with, but YOU have to know that and believe that.

Throw a GHC 200 note on the floor and trample it under your feet. Pick it back up and what is the value? Still GHC 200. The value can never be tampered with. Even if you manage to tear it up into two, it will remain a GHC 200 note that was torn into two. One half is not reduced to GHC 100. And this is what you need to understand. You are valuable! It does not matter how far gone you think you are. Doesn't matter who trampled over you or whether you offered yourself cheaply. God doesn’t care what you’ve done. Your value is still the same with Him!

I’ll leave you to ponder this for a while, and then we’d delve into 'the queen mindset' in my next post.