UNTIL LOVE FINDS YOU | RESPECT YOURSELF AND HAVE BOUNDARIES

Hi ladies, glad to be back behind my desk to share with you what I’ve been learning. The last two days have been so busy. I had several deadlines to meet at work. Working from home can be irritating sometimes, especially with the frequent power cuts. I was up for 24 hours straight reviewing some contracts.

I was super exhausted on Saturday morning. I woke up, sat behind my desk and realised I could not write much. Now instead of just writing what came to my head on Respect and Boundaries, I decided to hit the gym. You know, clear my head, listen to a sermon, and pray.

If I have not mentioned it before, I pray and read a lot before I start typing my blog posts. This is not supposed to be a random blog filled with head knowledge. I created it to share what I am learning and living on my spiritual journey, as a young Christian lady.

This is to let you know that I put a lot of effort into understanding and sharing these things. Anyway, I got back to writing on Saturday evening and got into this interesting conversation with a new friend of mine and I ended up understanding a little more what I am about to share.

Let’s jump straight into our conversation for the day.

Respect. And Boundaries.

I just heaved a long, deep sigh because this one is a little too close to home for me.

Truth is, I have had a hard time learning to establish boundaries. And I have had a harder time learning to respect myself.  

I lived most of my life not knowing how to say “no”. By “no”, I am not talking about sex (those of you whose minds ALWAYS go to sex when you read my blog. I really wonder what it is that you want to hear. Be serious, please.)

I’m talking about saying no to things I didn’t want. Experiences I didn’t want to have. If someone needed help and I was genuinely too exhausted to help, I was afraid to say no. I allowed everyone and everything to be more important than me. This is one of the things I am embarrassed most about myself.

I feel a lot of shame when I look back at the girl I was, growing up. Shame for not having my voice. Shame for not standing up for my principles. Shame for letting people disrespect me 99% of the time. 

The sad thing is that I know that many of you are like me. Correct that, many of you are like the old me. You don’t know how to comfortably say “no”. You fear that you will be judged. You are afraid that whoever you are saying no to will be displeased. You don’t think you can say no and walk away happily. You are a people pleaser.

I understand that it may not be your fault that you don’t know how to say no. You may have been raised in an environment where you were shouted at or scolded whenever you attempted to express yourself or your preference for something other than what everyone wanted.

Maybe you were shamed. Mocked. Treated badly. Abused. So that you saw no point in saying “no” to what you don’t want. I talk about these things because as a little girl, I was a victim of different kinds of abuse. Many years after the abuse, I had lost my ability to say no. I was always afraid. And, I constantly made wrong choices as a young adult. It took a lot of heartbreak, introspection, and therapy to realise that I was responsible for how my future would turn out. So I know too well what I am saying to you today.

While it may not be your fault that you never learned how to say no, it will remain your fault if you do not gather courage to change it. The way you think of yourself is exactly how others will think of you. The way you treat yourself is exactly how others will treat you.

The way you love yourself is how people will love you. Love yourself like you are a 50cent coin and that is the same energy you will receive from other people. Love yourself like you are a bar of a million-carat gold and people will learn to give you that same energy.

That being said, let's get into the topic of Respecting Yourself. I talk first about respecting yourself because once you do that, you will naturally have boundaries.

Have you ever been jewellery shopping where some marvellous bracelet or necklace or earring caught your eye? You tried it on and couldn’t bear to leave it behind. You had to have it, and you were willing to break your budget for it. Meanwhile that piece of jewellery didn’t beg you to take it home. It just sat pretty, being what it is, simply resplendent and beautiful!

Dear girl, you are supposed to be that gem!

To an extent, the search for the perfect man is like a treasure hunt. Be clear about your role. You are the treasure; he is the hunter. So just sit pretty, and sparkle.

As I always say, it always begins with Jesus. Let’s delve into the bible.

“Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies”

The Bible even says your worth is far above rubies, that is if your aim is to be a virtuous woman. If you don’t desire to be a virtuous woman, sorry, this blog isn’t really for you.

You respect what you value. Look around you. There is probably an item laying around that you don’t care much about, so you don’t respect it. But look on your dressing table. You have carefully positioned your super expensive bottle of perfume so that it doesn’t fall. Do you get the picture? Because you value that perfume, you are treating it with respect.

What am I driving at? Until you understand your own value, you cannot respect yourself. Simple as that.

Give up the false show you put up on social media. You update your status and Instagram with pictures of yourself that make you look put together but deep down you know you don’t respect yourself because you have not truly understood your value. I am going to help you here.

Again, it begins with Jesus.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son….”

God gave up Jesus’ life for who? Angels? No.

You.

When you use your bank card to buy something, it is because you value or love whatever you are buying, a bit more than your money. The love of a person is seen in what they exchange their money for. God bought us, with Jesus’ life. Let that sink in.

In other words, God loved us; you and me, a little more than Jesus (You can dispute this with yourself in your room). Seriously, let this sink into your mind, into your spirit and your entire being.

A man pays dowry for the hand of a lady in marriage. You think the dowry people pay is expensive? Are you looking for expensive dowry? Ask God. He himself died for you. He became the dowry.

That is your value, girl!

Secondly, “you are seated in heavenly places with Christ Jesus.”

We are talking royalty here! You are a princess. God’s princess. The pupil of His eye. Has anybody ever tried to touch your eye? Do you see how ferociously guarded and defensive you became? Some of you cannot even keep your eye open for an eye-drop from the ophthalmologist.

That is exactly how guarded God is over you! You are worth so much to Him! Let this sink in. I almost want to shout at you through my laptop. Sigh. You are priceless! Not because you are beautiful. Not because you have academic qualifications. Not because you are talented.

You are priceless simply because God created you. And you are His.

These scriptures, amongst others, is the basis of your self-respect. It is not pride or arrogance. It is knowing your value.

When you have absorbed this, it will show on the outside. It will show in how you carry yourself. Who you allow access to you. It will show in how you dress, how you talk, how freely you laugh, the decisions you make and many more.

Do you get the picture?

Let’s look at how a woman who respects herself dates or behaves before she is married.

First, and naturally, she will have boundaries.

Boundaries is not just a modern concept for woke people.

Now all I’m going to say will seem nice to read but very challenging to practise. However, it is way easier when you have absorbed the part about value and respect. Do not try setting boundaries when you have not internalised the respect and value principles. Because you will fail poorly and you’ll be miserable.

How will you fail? If you have not properly internalised that you are valuable, you will set false boundaries and find yourself doing the opposite of what you tell people.

The result is that the men you date will notice it. That you are not firm with your boundaries. So they will test you. Push you. Disrespect you a little here and there, and because you never internalised your value in the first place, you will not be able to enforce the boundaries. Guess what, you lose eventually.

Therefore, spend a lot of time praying and asking God to help you understand your value.

Let’s look at boundaries properly. The Oxford dictionary says it is a line which marks the limits of an area.

“You have established all the boundaries of the earth; You have made summer and winter.”

First, God respects boundaries and indeed He is the creator of them. Even in creation, He set boundaries for the sea. The sun knows better than to shine at night. That is the time for the moon. Winter knows it comes just before spring and not between spring and autumn.

God established boundaries so that there will be order. Can you imagine what our lives would have been if God did not underline creation with boundaries? In fact, the entire creation story is hinged on boundaries.

Imagine if the pacific woke up this morning and decided that it would take a swim to the desert safari in Abu Dhabi. Or if the blood in your veins decided it wants to flow out through your toes. What if seed time decided to change? There will be no harvest time and the world will generally be confused.

What utmost chaos the world would be in!

Do you get it? Boundaries is God’s thing.

“The Lord God placed man in the Garden of Eden….and warned him, “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden….except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”

Do you see God setting boundaries again? And that boundary was supposed to protect the human spirit. The moment Adam and Eve disrespected the boundary, here we are many years later, struggling to make it in life.

I think you get it now, that boundaries is a very spiritual principle. So don’t say it anywhere again that boundaries is a secular culture. Your Father in heaven is a God of order. And order is only achieved with boundaries.

So dear child of God, it’s time to enforce them in your life. What boundaries should you have as a young Christian lady to achieve order in your life and happiness in your relationships? I can only give a few examples.

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”

This is clear boundary setting. God is telling us to place a boundary around our heart. To watch what enters our hearts and in effect what comes out of it. What we let into our hearts determine how we relate with other people. What are you allowing into your heart?

Next. Mental health boundaries.

“Bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”

You’ve heard it so many times that the mind is a battlefield, and it is truth. You are what you think. So what do you meditate on? We all have a negative voice inside our minds that ALWAYS whispers negativity to us.

“You are not good enough.”

 “You are not pretty enough.”

 “No man will genuinely love you.”

 “See how your mama ended up.”

“That girl is way better than you.”

“Gosh! You are so cheap.”

“Do you honestly believe he fancies you, with all of your baggage?” blah blah blah.

Set a boundary on your thoughts. Challenge them with the word of God. Go to your bible, girl. Stop being a lazy Christian.

Physical/Sexual boundaries. Do I really have to say this to you? We all know this. "Flee sexual immorality." And we usually will tell ourselves that the Bible meant sex, as in a penis entering a vagina. Therefore, making out and helping one another orgasm isn’t exactly sexual immorality. Sigh. Where did that land you?

Let’s forget the issue of it being a sin to God for a moment. If you truly respect yourself, do you believe you will let a man who is not yet your husband, have access to certain parts of your body?

Your honest response, from deep within you, is No. But I know you would like to justify yourself and pretend I am being unreasonable. And you’ll be asking yourself whether I myself haven’t allowed it to happen in my own life before. Oh darling girl, we all fall short. But the beauty in God’s grace is that we pick ourselves up and fix our crowns back on, follow our King and walk, in honour.

When you respect yourself and have boundaries, the men will respect you. When people know you expect the very best, guess what—they give it!

At work, I know my supervisors who expect so much from me and I bend over backwards to come up with very good work. That is exactly how it works with men in relationships.

Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made in the past. Let it go, and start over. God is so abounding in mercy and grace. Go on your knees and ask Him to help you start afresh, with Him. 

Learn that you are the best. Treat yourself like you are the best. Carry yourself like you are the best. Believe that you are the best. And then your suitors will give you the best. Those who cannot match up, are not meant to be. Period.

Until next time, may the Holy Spirit teach you how valuable you are to God.

Kindly comment with other boundaries that come to mind. Share some boundaries that you enforce in your life that you find helpful. I would love to learn from you!