UNTIL LOVE FINDS YOU Series

I am so excited to be writing this series as a young woman who's begun living her best life.

But first, let me tell you a story.

It is a memory flash from my childhood. When I was about 6 years old, I used to go fishing with my dad. He lived in the woods with nothing but forest, rocky places and a cattle ranch. There was a clear river further down the woodsy forest. I loved going there in the afternoons. The hot sun hitting my skin and the coolness of the water was the best feeling ever.

I remember that there were fishes in the river. Tilapia, I think. I would wade into the shallow part and try to catch a fish with my bare hands. But these fishes would always slip out of my hands. My dad on the other hand used a fishing net. And he would always draw the net out with several fish.

We are like me; little, naïve, going with what our eyes see. God is like my father, experienced, taller, sees what we don’t and indeed knows all things that we don’t. So why don’t we let Him guide us through this season?

All that I will be sharing in this series is from my growth journey. If you have followed my past posts, you'll remember that the reason I am sharing this blog is because I decided to keep Jesus at the centre of my life, joy, struggles and not-so-good days. And, I’ll be keeping it real here.

I will be talking about the things a woman should be doing while she looks forward to marriage, whether she is in a relationship or not.

Disclaimers: I am not a feminist (whatever the word really means). I believe in the woman’s place, according to the word of God. I believe in submission in marriage, according to the word of God. Note that I am referring to the word of God and not human standards.

For someone who did not want to get married, I have spent a lot of time and money to obtain knowledge on marriage. I have even gone to live with couples whose marriages I admired, to learn by observation, how they are doing it.

It took so many years for me to feel within my spirit that I want to get married. I was not even in a relationship when this happened. But I recognised it. And, I begun telling God things like: “I don’t want to marry merely because of my feelings. I desperately want your purpose. Please lead a man of purpose to me. The man of purpose whom You know so well and know that I can be the suitable helpmeet to.”

Enough about me. Let's get into it.

The bible uses marriage as a yardstick for the qualification of a Bishop.

“A bishop must have a good reputation. He must have only one wife, be sober, use good judgment, be respectable, be hospitable, and be able to teach.”

That is how important marriage is. Even though it will not inherit eternity, the Bible tells us that at the second coming, Christ will come for His bride. So there will be a marriage in eternity, only that it won’t be what we know on earth. 

So while marriage won’t matter in eternity, God is big on it as far as it concerns the lives of His children. He established the idea of marriage. And women play a vital role. More like hard work. Your mindset should be that marriage will be work for you, as a woman. 

Dear girl, until you have this mindset for marriage, you’re going to be very surprised and disappointed in your marriage. No, I am not married, but I have asked so many questions of too many older married women to understand these things.

Why do you need this mindset? Because in God’s original creation story, man needed woman. Woman did not need man. Hold on. I’m going to explain this with scripture.

Then God said to Himself, “it is not good for man to be alone...”

Read that slowly and acknowledge that the common-sense meaning is that after God created man, He realised that something was lacking for man. And in God’s estimation, the solution to that lack was woman. So, He made woman and creation was complete.

You may say that woman was created as an afterthought, which would not be wrong. According to my Bible, God had placed Adam in the garden of Eden to dress and keep it (Note that Adam was given a job). God also gave him the command not to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. All this while, Adam was the only human on earth.

‘Then God said to Himself, “it is not good for man to be alone. I will make him a help meet for him. And out of the ground the Lord formed every beast of the field etc and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them; and whatever Adam called them, that was the name.”’

Do you realise that God’s initial idea of companionship for Adam was animals?

“And Adam gave names to all the beasts of the field, but for Adam there was not found a help meet for him.”

At this point, God realised that animals wouldn’t cut it. Lion? Frog? Hyena? Giraffe? Buffalo? German Shepherd? SNAIL? ANACONDA??? LOL. Let’s be serious. Adam needed something better!

I suppose the animals were made male and female, which made Adam look odd? Either that or maybe God thought it was going to be overwhelming for Adam to name all those animals.

So, God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and formed Eve out of one of Adam’s ribs. One rib. Whatever that means.

We see that God’s original plan for creation was for the man to be going about his business coolly with no struggle, and woman by his side as a companion, helping him carry out God’s purpose.

But something happened. Plot twist.

Satan came to do his thing. And God placed a curse on humans and the serpent.

While man was cursed to toil the earth before he can eat, woman was cursed to need man. Previously, we are not told that Adam had to work the ground of the earth to eat. The only instructions Adam had was to be fruitful and multiply, and to not eat of that tree.

But with the curse came another instruction: to work hard and sweat before one could eat. The curse was simply a reversal of the original state of things.

Same happened to woman. The curse reversed her original position. Previously, it was man who needed woman for companionship and help. And I believe God placed a desire in Adam for Eve, hence his delightful statement “this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (so deep!).

After the curse, “a woman’s desire shall be for her husband.”

Think about it. Why should this be a curse? There should be nothing wrong with a woman’s desire being for her husband, yet that was the curse God placed on Eve and her seed.

Personally, I think that this is where the concept of ‘neediness’ in a relationship comes from. Remember that it was a curse. Curses are not a good thing. So, let’s not think that it is a good thing for a woman to need a man.

A woman in her extreme state of neediness is useless to a man. A helpmate is not supposed to need the person they are called to help. As a matter of fact, helpmates should be able to work unsupervised.

Have you seen a house help before? Or a servant. Do they always need the presence of the master? No. Most of the real work is done in the master’s absence. 

For almost two years, I worked as a personal assistant to a very wealthy man who owned a conglomerate of businesses. I know too well that a help or assistant needs to be able to make life as easy and effortless as possible for their boss. Most of the work I did was in his absence. All I needed was access to his money and resources. 

Imagine that you are a boss or head of a house, and your assistant or help is constantly calling you whenever they must do the dishes, do laundry, fix a meal, clean the house, etc. Such a help will be a nuisance! And that is exactly how men feel in relationships or marriages with a needy woman.

See? The curse is working.

This is why it is advisable to dedicate a lot of prayer before a relationship and marriage. What you will be doing is going back to God. Back to the person who placed the curse.

You tell Him that you don’t want the curse to define your marriage. You still want to fulfil the original purpose for which he created woman. So, He should try and at least let you be found by a man to whom you can be a suitable helpmate.

The curse, I doubt, is broken. But at least, you will start off your marriage on a purposeful note. And then you also work on yourself to not be needy. (The posts in this series talk about the important things to pay attention to so that you can be a suitable helpmate instead of a nuisance.)

Many times, we, women, complain about all the sufferings we have to go through by virtue of being women. Especially regarding relationships and marriage. I used to complain too for my future.

But the truth is, what exactly did you think God meant when he referred to woman as helpmate.

Creation was not complete without woman. Without woman, man would not be able to fulfil his purpose of being a steward of the earth. Yes, Jesus and a few others were exceptions, but you realise that Jesus was human and divinity at the same time, right? Let’s not even go into Paul’s sufferings when he decided to be single for life.

Without woman, man would not be able to fulfil his purpose of being a steward of the earth. Being a helpmate is a whole job, dear girl!

Gird your loins and journey with me, daughter of God. 

Let me add that, 99.9% of what I am sharing came to me through prayer and seeking God in His word concerning marriage. On my own, I would not have come to know these things. But the moment my mind was opened to teaching and realising that I know nothing at all, I begun to seek God. My prayer was no longer for God to bring me a husband. I honestly don't think I am even ready for one. 

My current prayer topic is:

"God, please make me into the woman I am supposed to be. Equip me to have the right character that will make me a suitable helpmate. I don't want to be an average helpmate. I know there are many things about me that will not help anybody in a marriage, so please bring them all to my awareness and help me do away with them. Help me to prepare to receive the wonderful king that you have for me." 

You can say a prayer like that too, if you want. 

I pray that by the time you finish this series the Holy Spirit would’ve influenced your mindset. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Read the next in the series here Before Marriage: Become Single