A Letter to Margaret : Love is as strong as death!

A thought settled in my heart when I left the gym last night. It was more of a question. Was there more to why you insisted that I come swimming with you and the other ladies? I was surprised that I had never wondered until now. 

Our chat on 11th February 2019 read like this:

You: Presh! What are you doing tomorrow? We are going swimming tomorrow.

Me:  Is tomorrow a holiday?

You: Ei Wednesday I mean. But😂😂😂😂😂😂😂no

Me:  Lool, either ways is it a holiday?

You: No please.

Me:  Lool..Hmm

I recall that I chuckled to myself. And thought something along the lines of "this girl is simply amusing. Why at all is she asking me to go swimming when she knows I work a job that barely allows me time to blink". 

I also recall telling myself that instead of going down the path of our usual tough-love banter, I would let it slide and not chide you for asking such a silly question. So I smiled at my phone, intrigued by you, as usual and went back to work. 

Little did I know that was to be the last time you and I were texting. 

12th February 2019 - Silence

13th February 2019 – Silence…. 

I knew I would message you this day to ask how the swimming went. But around 4pm, before I could take a break from my PA duties to do that, I got a phone call from one of our friends, asking to bear you up in prayer because you had sort of just drowned and had been rushed to the hospital. 

It made no sense. I was having a peaceful day devoid of the banter that typically characterized our mornings. So, this phone call made no sense to me. When I tried to pray, all I felt was a foreboding sense of dread.  I was unable to pray. So, I left my desk and went to the kitchen. My legs shook so badly that I had to lean against the counter for support. I felt a tingling sensation all over my body. My chest tightened. Breathing was difficult.

I tried again to pray, but I simply could not. My stomach felt like it was being churned inside out. All I could whisper was "Father, Margaret." It felt like the words were hitting a wall and bouncing back to me. My prayers were not rising to God. I felt it. 

Deep within, I knew you were already gone, and I hated myself for that. A voice asked me if I wanted you gone. Why did I seem to believe you were gone even before the second phone call came to confirm it? I came to understand, months after, that it was my inner witness speaking to me. 

I have a billion questions, Margaret. A billion! 

A month from now, it will be 2 years since you passed. But I still feel the same hollow in my heart as I did that evening. 

My memory is blurry about what happened in the subsequent days. I remember however that I was so confused. I couldn’t sleep for the next three months. I was already burning out from my job and had been taking Nytol to help me sleep. But your death was way too much. Nytol was no longer doing the job. Each night was a waking nightmare.

14th February 2019

Me: "So Margaret, won't you come online!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????????????"

Your whatsapp: "This is her brother." 

I was numb.

I made decisions, some good, and some terrible. If life could be this short, why then, was I holding myself back from living my best and happiest life? Why was I in a relationship that made me sad? Why was I in a job that was stripping me off my self-esteem week after week.

Remember my relationship over which you and I sort of fell out briefly? I broke it off. Then I quit my job. I stayed home for 3 months and embarked on a project to redecorate my room. I discovered I was a good painter and DIYer. I repainted all my walls, changed my closet into a walk-in closet, built shelves and cultivated a liking for plants.

I applied for that job you kept pushing me to apply for and got it. It was a very competitive role, so I was beside myself with joy when I got it.

I was proud of myself for making these changes in my life.

By the way, I got called to the English Bar! Remember we joked about how I preferred plane ticket problems to examination resit problems. The ceremony was beautiful. What with all the robes and splendour. If you had stayed on earth longer for me to send you pictures, you would’ve asked “But Presh! Are you guys witches from Hogwarts or what?”  

Do you remember our conversation when I sat at Heathrow airport for 8 hours because I missed my flight to Accra? I apologised the instant I made a certain comment. I am still sorry for saying it. We both knew it was pure banter because you were pulling my legs, but I cringe when I remember this. It still sends chills down my spine.

Anyway, I started therapy. Not physio, Margaret. Psychotherapy. And no, I wasn’t mad (lol) The first 3 sessions were hard. I filled the initial assessment questionnaire and the psychologist said I was clinically depressed.

In subsequent sessions, I unravelled myself. My emotions, fears, hopes and confusion. Sometimes I left the session angry. On other days I felt nothing. Then there were days when I was understanding myself and why I act in certain ways. I was getting better.

Then I relapsed.

Bad decisions? When Nytol was not working, I resorted to vodka. But I quickly quit that when I begun to wake up with hangover migraines. I also stopped caring for my mental well-being. And tried to date someone I knew I was incompatible with.

Girl, crazy things happened in my life. Remember the conversations we had about our brothers? Hahaha. Guess what, my brother really overdid it this time. I can’t share the details here. I had to move from home. I lived like a fugitive for a whole year, until I got a place of my own.

In between living like a fugitive and working, I begun Law school in Ghana. I was constantly sick. I think I attended 3 months out of 10. Can you believe I had severe pneumonia? I was shocked! It took about the first half of 2020 to recover.

The last quarter of 2020 was one of the best periods in my life. I finished exams in September and in December I was called to the Ghana bar too! I know you would’ve been proud of me and wouldn’t give me peace if you were still here.

There is one other thing that happened to me in this period. I met someone (lol). I don’t know how things work up there. But could you see it happening? Did that make you sad, happy, or indifferent. It made me think more about you each day.

It’s all over now, though. It ended just as quickly as it begun. I learned so much about myself through that experience. It made me hope some more, laugh harder and cry a little. Most importantly, it drew me closer to God when it was over. I was confused as to how it ended the way it did. But I'd rather look ahead and believe that God has the best for me. 

While I’d like to write more on the topic, I cannot divulge the details here. One day, you and I will meet again and laugh it off, as we have always done with other matters.

I started caring more for myself. It dawned on me that however my life was turning out was a sum of my choices. And if I wanted to have the great life I have always dreamed of, I had to change a lot of things, especially my mindset. I had to practise true Christianity too. Not the half-assed one that a lot of us young Christians engage in nowadays.

So, I began to make changes. That membership fee you were constantly trying to take from me? I paid it. At your gym. Yeah, I signed up eventually. I love going there. I feel a piece of you anytime I am there.

First day I went to sign up, I met your brother. I almost ran out the door because I thought that was you with a shaved head. I stood, staring at him in awe. He was the male version of you. We had an awkward exchange as he signed me up. After, he walked me to my car and I blurted:

“Thank you for your assistance. I don’t recall your name even though I think I know you”

We held each other’s gaze for a second.

Then I added “You’re Margaret’s brother, aren’t you?” I knew it was sort of a lame thing to say but I was emotional and could not help it. 

He responded, “Yes. I know you too. You are her friend. And you look like her. I don’t like seeing you.” 

Girl! My fragile heart broke into bits. Because I understood exactly how he felt! I was feeling the same thing. Seeing him was excruciating. It was like looking at you, but it wasn’t you and I was wishing you’d materialise through him. It didn’t help that his mannerisms were same as yours. The way he moved. The things he said to me when he was registering me. He had said something that sounded like the exact thing you’d say for me to laugh at you. This guy just stirred up all sorts of emotions in me within 15 minutes.

Anyway, I responded to his heart-breaking statement saying

“Yeah, I don’t like seeing you too. Can you try to not be at the front desk when I come in to work out?”

It would’ve been funny in another context. But in this one, we both knew we meant it, and did not, at the same time. I drove off before he could see the tears stream down my face. I could barely breathe. I had to park far ahead and let it all out before continuing home. I miss you, Margaret!

Well, your brother and I have become friends, sort of. As you should know, I pester him with questions, and he tickles me with his responses. I think I may be reliving our friendship vicariously through him. I’m not sure if it’s healthy but it works for me, for now.

The gym staff say I look like you. I hear them whisper it amongst themselves and some of the clients. It explains all the stares I received in the first week. I broke down each day after working out. I’d sit in the restroom for minutes trying to make sense of the situation.

At first, they didn’t know I knew you. So, they’d talk while I just listened. I was glad that they said nice things about you. But some of the female clients feel you weren’t as nice to them as you were to the men. LOL! This is legit funny because I know what response you would’ve given them if you were here.

One time, your mum used the cycling equipment right behind the treadmill I was running on. My head was down when she came so I hadn’t seen her. I lifted my head to look in the mirror and there she was behind me. Look. I nearly fell off the treadmill. But I managed to keep classy and sweated it out. I haven’t been able to talk to her. It breaks my heart anytime I see her. Your dad is another story I’ll save for later.

The journey towards growth and change hasn’t been easy but I already see good progress and I won’t stop until I’ve achieved my goal. I burn 1500 calories on the treadmill by brisk walking for 50 minutes. I am already excited to see what I’ll be looking like in a few weeks!

I’m eating healthy now. You know, counting my calories and all. And drinking water. I tried a vegetable diet for a week, and I felt so good! But it appears I am allergic to vegetables which is strange. Now, I am back on a protein and extremely low carbs diet.

There’ve been so many days I’d want to text you to tell you about something I saw or heard. So many funny memes remain in my phone gallery, not shared with you. On certain days, I’d trade anything for you to call me ‘idiot’ or ‘fewlish child’ again. I looked forward to the banku and tilapia you promised I’d get on the Sunday you never showed up.

Margaret, it’s been nearly 2 years and it still feels like just 3 months ago that you left. I hope you are happy in heaven, by God’s side. I hope your speech is more censored now (I just laughed at myself whilst typing this). I hope you’ve found the peace you were always searching for.

Thank you for being a gem. Thank you for forwarding that typed exhortation by Bishop Joshua, to me, that day in 2016. I told you that was when I knew we’d be great friends. You were always extra, sometimes leaving me exasperated and breathless, but I loved all of it. You loved fiercely. Wanted to please God even when it was hard. You had my back each time. 

I am so sad we are not doing the future together. Plus, I would not have had that awful experience I had just before last Christmas, if you were here. It would not have been necessary at all. 

My dear, if you can look down on earth and see us, you’ll see that I’ve finally taken writing seriously and my blog is first dedicated to Jesus and your precious memory. Many will not know or understand the kind of friendship we had. I cherished it. I’m glad I told you how much I loved you before it was all over. You laughed at me and called me silly, but today I am glad I don’t have to live with the regret of not having said I love you.

I’m ready to live my best life, and let go of the pain of losing you. Until we meet again, my love, walk the streets of gold and make heaven erupt with laughter, with your innocent, crazy and hilarious questions.

Always in my heart💓

Presh